Poor, poor Penny. What did she do to deserve an encounter with an incorrigible reprobate like our very own Buff? Answer - not a lot. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. To be precise, leaving her dressing room for a quick snog with Leonard, but... as we've seen from the previous post, our intrepid alleviators and educators caught her metaphorically with her panties down. Oh, and what a sight it was. To find out what happened, read on. To stop being so nosy, read on. To spread the shame and embarrassment just that little bit more, read on. To see Penny and the Big Bang Theory and every other combination of atoms in a different light, read on. To feel extremely naughty and debauched at the same time, read on.
WARNING: THIS POST HAS BEEN CENSORED IN 190 COUNTRIES. CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONES DIDN'T CENSOR IT?
DISCLAIMER: All dialogue is said in character and in no way expresses the actors, actresses or others' views on anything or anyone else. Thank the Lord.
BUFFALO: Hey, dere, Penny!
PENNY: Huh? Do I know you?
BUFFALO: Nope. And I know very little about you, but I'm willing to learn.
PENNY: And who are you?
BIRD: I'm with him.
PENNY: Uh, should I call Security? Or do you naturally dribble down your face when you see a woman.
BUFFALO: Now don't be like that, Penny Wenny. I've waited a long time for this. And I must say I'm liking what I'm seeing.
PENNY: Can somebody remove this creep from the building, like, now?
BIRD: It won't be easy. He's got a pass, you see.
PENNY: Got a pass? How'd he manage that?
BUFFALO: We, that's Birdy and me, have just been filming a Christmas special with Sheldon and Leonard.
PENNY: No shit! How come I don't know anything about it?
BIRD: You were invited to participate but you declined.
PENNY: Ah, now I get it. You're the wackos from the blog our producer's been raving about. Jesus, I knew you guys were weird, but...
BUFFALO: Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet, Penny poos. Suffice to say, the Freddy's a-rising over here.
PENNY: What?! Someone, help, I'm being leered over by some deranged reprobate!
BUFFALO: Well, I'd take it as a compliment if I were you. Freddy's not poked his head up towards daylight for some time now. You really are very special. Me Freddy lives again! I just can't thank you enough!
PENNY: Police! Security! Anyone?!
BUFFALO: Don't be alarmed, my dearest, sweetest, sweety pie blonde of the balcony most ample. Just answer me this. May I be allowed to linger astride your bing cherries awhile?
PENNY: Oh, per-leeze! You're not lingering astride my bing cherries or anything else. You're a disgusting old pervert. Now go away.
BIRD: Please don't encourage him, Penny. You'll only make him worse. And whatever you do, don't start talking dirty.
BUFFALO: Oh, I wish you would. Nothing gets the old nectar flowing quicker than a bit of nasty- wasty, get down and dirty till you're really filthy tittle-tattle.
PENNY: You are unbelievable, you know that? You know how we deal with low-lifes like you back in Nebraska?
BUFFALO: Go on.
PENNY: It usually involves a sharp kick to a very tender spot. Now is that what you want?
BUFFALO: Well, I suppose it'd be a start. Really, Birdy, she is truly as divinely hot as you said she was. If only the gods would allow me to worship unfettered at her altar! I swear, Penny, my angel, my intentions are purely honourable.
PENNY: Yeah, right!
BUFFALO: Never knowingly caught short in the dispensing of satisfaction department, if you get my drift.
PENNY: Eck! You're his friend, what do I have to do to make him realise it's not going to happen?
BIRD: Well, you could try being nice to him.
PENNY: Really?
BIRD: Yep.
PENNY: OK. Now listen here, whatsyername...
BUFFALO: Call me Buff.
PENNY: Buff. Now listen here, Buff... Do you think you could stop dribbling when I'm talking to you?
BUFFALO: Sure.
PENNY: Good. Now listen here, Buff, the thing is, uh, I'm with Leonard.
BUFFALO: Yes?
PENNY: And he's kinda funny about this sort of thing. You know, advances from other men, so on this occasion I regret to tell you that unfortunately I can't take you up on your kind offer with the bing cherries and all. Leonard means way too much to me to jeopardise everything over such a terrible reprobate as your good self.
BUFFALO: Oh well, why didn't you say? And there I was under the impression that you'd had your wicked way with everyone on the set, even with Sheldon although that episode was later dropped because the producer said the biology didn't add up, if you get my steer.
PENNY: Well, I'm sorry to tell you that you've been misinformed. And if Shedon and Raj, and Howard for that matter try to tell you otherwise don't believe a word of it. I may have played fast and loose back in Nebraska but my contract's most specific on this subject, and I quote "Leonard only or you're toast".
BUFFALO: I see. Oh, I so longed to show you the true meaning of the big bang theory in all its cosmic orgasmic glory, but alas, I have been undone by an unseemly and totally unreasonable clause. 'Twas ever thus.
PENNY: Aw, shucks. You're not so bad after all.
BUFFALO: Here. My card. Should you ever decide to renegotiate, or quit the show, or get fired even, ring me.
PENNY: I may just do that, Buffo!
(PENNY DIVES INTO HER DRESSING ROOM AND LOCKS THE DOOR)
BIRD: What a lovely lady.
BUFFALO: Isn't she just? Such a shame the lawyers got in the way.
BIRD: Oh, you never know. She can't be on the show forever.
BUFFALO: True, and she did give me a surreptitious wink as she slipped away.
BIRD: Oh, I say!
BUFFALO: Oh, the fireworks we would've unleashed together. The seismic tremors that would've been felt at the Earth's core...
BIRD: Never mind, there's always that doll of yours.
BUFFALO: Doris? The inflatable?
BIRD: Any port in a storm, eh, Tempest?
BUFFALO: Indeed.
BIRD: Film at eleven?
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
THE BIG BANG THEORY PLUS GUEST STARS...
Yahhhp. You've guessed it. The Bird & Buffalo were invited to feature in a Big Bang Theory special. Unfortunately, Penny, Howard, Raj and Amy refused to entertain such an idea and stayed away. Sheldon and Leonard were kept in the dark as to the true nature of the episode and even when they were told it would be largely improvised and possibly largely degrading and unseemly, still agreed to go along with it. Although highly secretive and all in the worst possible taste, below is a transcript of the rehearsals for the one-hour special to be screened on New Year's Eve. Unfortunately, at the time of going to press we have no idea how much, if any of what features in rehearsals, will be broadcast. You decide.
DISCLAIMER: All dialogue is said in character and in no way expresses the actors, actresses or others' views on anything or anyone else. Thank the Lord.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
LEONARD: Sheldon, get the door, will ya, I'm on the poop box!
SHELDON: Leonard, really! Your misuse of the English language is beginning to reach unacceptable levels. Don't make me refer you to the roommate agreement again.
LEONARD: Sheldon, I'm a little preoccupied at the moment to stand, I mean sit on ceremony. Just get the door. I'll be right out.
SHELDON: Hm! This isn't the end of it. I'll deal with your tawdry transgression later.
(SHELDON OPENS THE DOOR)
BIRD AND BUFFALO: Surprise!
SHELDON: Yes, it is. Who are you?
BIRD: Well, I'm Bird, but you can call me Birdy.
BUFFALO: And I'm the Buffalo, but you can call me Buff. And who are you?
SHELDON: Who am I? If you haven't heard of the great Sheldon Cooper, the foremost theoretical physicist of the present generation and no doubt of all time, you haven't been paying attention.
BUFFALO: Well, I've watched a few clips on YouTube, so I guess I haven't been paying attention.
BIRD: What Buff means is he admires your body of work.
BUFFALO: As opposed to the work of your body, like.
SHELDON: Interesting. How did we ever agree to do this? Can we have a timeout here?
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA: Run with it, Jim. Wait till Johnny gets out of the john!
(LEONARD ZIPS OUT FROM THE CORRIDOR)
LEONARD: Hey! So... Wait a minute, where's Penny?
BUFFALO: I wish I knew. I was really looking forward to checking out her stack.
LEONARD: Uh, that's my girlfriend you're talking about there.
BUFFALO: Really? I thought you'd split up.
LEONARD: No, no, we're very much an item in the dating phase.
BUFFALO: Which is as far as you're going to get, right? So I say, while you're still dating Penny's still up for grabs.
BIRD: Drop it, Buff. Leonard's been through a lot with Penny. Cut him some slack, will ya?
BUFFALO: But I thought I was supposed to make him jealous and wait for him to rip me a new a...
SHELDON: Stop right there! This is a family show. We do not use language like that here.
BUFFALO: Arr, crapshite, you say bastid all the time. I've heard Leonard say it on several occasions.
SHELDON: Is that right, Leonard?
LEONARD: Uh, sure. What's wrong with that?
SHELDON: I'm going to have to watch the master tapes more thoroughly from now on. I've got my reputation to think about.
BUFFALO: Sheldon, you need to get laid.
SHELDON: Are you sure this is in the script, Leonard?
LEONARD: What script? And he's right, you need to get seriously drilled.
SHELDON: Oh, my! And I had to hear such filth in my own apartment.
LEONARD: Aw, come on, Sheldon, wouldn't you like to dip you little twinkle star into Amy Farrah's welcoming snug as a bug universe?
SHELDON: I certainly would not. I can't think of anything more unappealing than intimacy with Amy's welcoming universe.
BUFFALO: Well, I'm with you there, Sheldy, I wouldn't drink at her watering hole if you paid me, but I wouldn't say no to some rumpy pumpy with that gal from Nebraska.
LEONARD: Again, my girlfriend. Out of bounds.
BIRD: Yeah, dude, Leonard's a great guy. He and Penny deserve each other.
LEONARD: Thank you, Birdy. You're a real gent.
BIRD: Why, thank you, but I'm with Buff on Amy Farrah's doo-dah. She's got about as much oomph appeal as a lop-sided walrus on Benadryl. No offence, Sheldon.
SHELDON: None taken. Now if we may move on to more pressing matters...
BUFFALO: Hey, hold on, Shelds, was that a yes, I do need to get laid? Or no, I'd rather not, I'm afraid of what I might catch?
SHELDON: I cannot believe we are doing this.
LEONARD: Doing what?
SHELDON: Discussing my personal life with two total strangers.
LEONARD: Why not? We discuss my personal life enough on this show. Now it's your turn.
BIRD: He does have a point.
SHELDON: It's not about turns, it's about what's fair. I have given no basis for this invasive inquiry.
BUFFALO: Seems to me you'd be much happier grabbing yerself a piece of Raj, if you get my drift.
BIRD: Dude....
SHELDON: Leonard, make him stop!
LEONARD: Sheldon, for him to stop he has to have started something and I really don't think he has.
SHELDON: Betrayed, abandoned by my own roommate. I really don't understand where this social interaction is leading. And I still don't know why you're in our apartment.
BUFFALO: Well, I thought Penny would be here. I was looking forward to ascending to her balcony.
BIRD: And I'm here because I think you guys are the bee's knees. You always send me to bed with a smile on my face.
SHELDON: Oh, that's so sweet. Well, now I'm glad you came.
LEONARD: Uh, yeah, so am I. I mean, I'm glad you came, Birdy. Not so sure about your friend here.
BIRD: Oh, he's harmless enough. He's just got a bit of a rampant Freddy. He's fine all the while he's on his medication.
LEONARD: Yeah, well, just as long as he understands that Penny is off limits.
SHELDON: And if I may be so bold, would you mind telling us why we always send you to bed with a smile on your face?
BIRD: Well, it's because you're both so goddamn funny. Right, Buff?
BUFFALO: Hey, I didn't say they were funny. I said I wanted Penny. You need to wash yer ears out, dude.
SHELDON: Wanted Penny?! You and several million other men on this earth, although why is a complete mystery to me. They haven't even invented a scale to measure her IQ level yet. What Leonard sees in her is beyond me.
LEONARD: Like you would really understand. Well, uh, it's been great meeting you guys, but that old thing on the wall that goes tick-tock boing is against us, I'm afraid so, uh...
SHELDON: What Leonard is trying to say in this faltering attempt at well-brought-up politeness is that you've overstayed your welcome, we're the stars, you're the nobodies, and the stars have got much more exciting and stimulating things to do and it's time for the nobodies to exit the stage. Stage left. Exit. Go. Right now.
BUFFALO:: Oh, it's like that, is it?
SHELDON: It most certainly is.
BIRD: I'd just like to apologise for...
SHELDON: There's really no need. Just scoot.
BUFFALO: Didn't feel like an hour special to me.
BIRD: Nope.
LEONARD: Sorry, fellas, the chemistry just wasn't there.
SHELDON: Neither the chemistry, nor the hour, nor the special. Get over it.
LEONARD: Bye, guys.
(BIRD AND BUFFALO TRAIPSE OFF, DEJECTED)
BIRD: So rude!
BUFFALO: I know! Let that be a lesson to you, Birdy. This is what happens to people who don't get laid on a regular basis. Oh, hey! Wow! Is that Penny over there?
BIRD: You know what, Buff, I think it is.
BUFFALO: Quick, Birdy, the game is afoot!
BIRD: All right, Sherlock.
BUFFALO: Penny! It's me, Buff, Buffy, Bufters, your greatest fan! I want to get to know you better. Get to know the real Penny, get real close to you, share with you my innermost stirrings.
BIRD: Buff, stop! She's not been sullied by a reprobate like you before.
BUFFALO: There's always a first time, n'est pas? Film at eleven.
BIRD: Oh, gawwwwd!
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
DISCLAIMER: All dialogue is said in character and in no way expresses the actors, actresses or others' views on anything or anyone else. Thank the Lord.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
LEONARD: Sheldon, get the door, will ya, I'm on the poop box!
SHELDON: Leonard, really! Your misuse of the English language is beginning to reach unacceptable levels. Don't make me refer you to the roommate agreement again.
LEONARD: Sheldon, I'm a little preoccupied at the moment to stand, I mean sit on ceremony. Just get the door. I'll be right out.
SHELDON: Hm! This isn't the end of it. I'll deal with your tawdry transgression later.
(SHELDON OPENS THE DOOR)
BIRD AND BUFFALO: Surprise!
SHELDON: Yes, it is. Who are you?
BIRD: Well, I'm Bird, but you can call me Birdy.
BUFFALO: And I'm the Buffalo, but you can call me Buff. And who are you?
SHELDON: Who am I? If you haven't heard of the great Sheldon Cooper, the foremost theoretical physicist of the present generation and no doubt of all time, you haven't been paying attention.
BUFFALO: Well, I've watched a few clips on YouTube, so I guess I haven't been paying attention.
BIRD: What Buff means is he admires your body of work.
BUFFALO: As opposed to the work of your body, like.
SHELDON: Interesting. How did we ever agree to do this? Can we have a timeout here?
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA: Run with it, Jim. Wait till Johnny gets out of the john!
(LEONARD ZIPS OUT FROM THE CORRIDOR)
LEONARD: Hey! So... Wait a minute, where's Penny?
BUFFALO: I wish I knew. I was really looking forward to checking out her stack.
LEONARD: Uh, that's my girlfriend you're talking about there.
BUFFALO: Really? I thought you'd split up.
LEONARD: No, no, we're very much an item in the dating phase.
BUFFALO: Which is as far as you're going to get, right? So I say, while you're still dating Penny's still up for grabs.
BIRD: Drop it, Buff. Leonard's been through a lot with Penny. Cut him some slack, will ya?
BUFFALO: But I thought I was supposed to make him jealous and wait for him to rip me a new a...
SHELDON: Stop right there! This is a family show. We do not use language like that here.
BUFFALO: Arr, crapshite, you say bastid all the time. I've heard Leonard say it on several occasions.
SHELDON: Is that right, Leonard?
LEONARD: Uh, sure. What's wrong with that?
SHELDON: I'm going to have to watch the master tapes more thoroughly from now on. I've got my reputation to think about.
BUFFALO: Sheldon, you need to get laid.
SHELDON: Are you sure this is in the script, Leonard?
LEONARD: What script? And he's right, you need to get seriously drilled.
SHELDON: Oh, my! And I had to hear such filth in my own apartment.
LEONARD: Aw, come on, Sheldon, wouldn't you like to dip you little twinkle star into Amy Farrah's welcoming snug as a bug universe?
SHELDON: I certainly would not. I can't think of anything more unappealing than intimacy with Amy's welcoming universe.
BUFFALO: Well, I'm with you there, Sheldy, I wouldn't drink at her watering hole if you paid me, but I wouldn't say no to some rumpy pumpy with that gal from Nebraska.
LEONARD: Again, my girlfriend. Out of bounds.
BIRD: Yeah, dude, Leonard's a great guy. He and Penny deserve each other.
LEONARD: Thank you, Birdy. You're a real gent.
BIRD: Why, thank you, but I'm with Buff on Amy Farrah's doo-dah. She's got about as much oomph appeal as a lop-sided walrus on Benadryl. No offence, Sheldon.
SHELDON: None taken. Now if we may move on to more pressing matters...
BUFFALO: Hey, hold on, Shelds, was that a yes, I do need to get laid? Or no, I'd rather not, I'm afraid of what I might catch?
SHELDON: I cannot believe we are doing this.
LEONARD: Doing what?
SHELDON: Discussing my personal life with two total strangers.
LEONARD: Why not? We discuss my personal life enough on this show. Now it's your turn.
BIRD: He does have a point.
SHELDON: It's not about turns, it's about what's fair. I have given no basis for this invasive inquiry.
BUFFALO: Seems to me you'd be much happier grabbing yerself a piece of Raj, if you get my drift.
BIRD: Dude....
SHELDON: Leonard, make him stop!
LEONARD: Sheldon, for him to stop he has to have started something and I really don't think he has.
SHELDON: Betrayed, abandoned by my own roommate. I really don't understand where this social interaction is leading. And I still don't know why you're in our apartment.
BUFFALO: Well, I thought Penny would be here. I was looking forward to ascending to her balcony.
BIRD: And I'm here because I think you guys are the bee's knees. You always send me to bed with a smile on my face.
SHELDON: Oh, that's so sweet. Well, now I'm glad you came.
LEONARD: Uh, yeah, so am I. I mean, I'm glad you came, Birdy. Not so sure about your friend here.
BIRD: Oh, he's harmless enough. He's just got a bit of a rampant Freddy. He's fine all the while he's on his medication.
LEONARD: Yeah, well, just as long as he understands that Penny is off limits.
SHELDON: And if I may be so bold, would you mind telling us why we always send you to bed with a smile on your face?
BIRD: Well, it's because you're both so goddamn funny. Right, Buff?
BUFFALO: Hey, I didn't say they were funny. I said I wanted Penny. You need to wash yer ears out, dude.
SHELDON: Wanted Penny?! You and several million other men on this earth, although why is a complete mystery to me. They haven't even invented a scale to measure her IQ level yet. What Leonard sees in her is beyond me.
LEONARD: Like you would really understand. Well, uh, it's been great meeting you guys, but that old thing on the wall that goes tick-tock boing is against us, I'm afraid so, uh...
SHELDON: What Leonard is trying to say in this faltering attempt at well-brought-up politeness is that you've overstayed your welcome, we're the stars, you're the nobodies, and the stars have got much more exciting and stimulating things to do and it's time for the nobodies to exit the stage. Stage left. Exit. Go. Right now.
BUFFALO:: Oh, it's like that, is it?
SHELDON: It most certainly is.
BIRD: I'd just like to apologise for...
SHELDON: There's really no need. Just scoot.
BUFFALO: Didn't feel like an hour special to me.
BIRD: Nope.
LEONARD: Sorry, fellas, the chemistry just wasn't there.
SHELDON: Neither the chemistry, nor the hour, nor the special. Get over it.
LEONARD: Bye, guys.
(BIRD AND BUFFALO TRAIPSE OFF, DEJECTED)
BIRD: So rude!
BUFFALO: I know! Let that be a lesson to you, Birdy. This is what happens to people who don't get laid on a regular basis. Oh, hey! Wow! Is that Penny over there?
BIRD: You know what, Buff, I think it is.
BUFFALO: Quick, Birdy, the game is afoot!
BIRD: All right, Sherlock.
BUFFALO: Penny! It's me, Buff, Buffy, Bufters, your greatest fan! I want to get to know you better. Get to know the real Penny, get real close to you, share with you my innermost stirrings.
BIRD: Buff, stop! She's not been sullied by a reprobate like you before.
BUFFALO: There's always a first time, n'est pas? Film at eleven.
BIRD: Oh, gawwwwd!
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
MAKING THE SUPREME EFFORT TO END SLOTH MODE
I've never heard of a circum speck, but I know what it feels like. It's like a gooey, creamy, fluffy, goopy, chunky, milky, velvety, soft, feathery, mushy, greasy, clunky, plush, ripe, gaping, longing, teasing, dribbling hole. It needs filling, feeding, caring for, deleting, shunning, turning, burning, zapping, papping, crapping on or over. One doesn’t step into
the mundane, you know, it’s always there. You see these
fists? They’ve never been raised in
anger. I am a pacifist of the most
distinguished cowardly order. And as for sloth mode, crack me an egg and I'll show you my stye!
AND IN UDDER NEWS:
7,700,777,090 people tweeted the word "help" yesterday. Have we got enough rescuers to go round? Well, Sherlock Holmes says... "Watson, would you mind removing your pinky from your rinky tinky winky? It's a long time till tea, what what what."
AND THE POEM THEY SAID COULD NEVER BE WRITTEN...
TRUE GROOF
by Birdy
True Groof
Is like
A swollen river
You never know
When you'll need
A bucket
Film at eleven.
Arf, arf!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
PRETTY COLOURS
Pretty Colours
by Birdy
Pretty colours
Pretty colours
Sliding down the window
And into the dustpan
Pretty colours
Pretty colours
Splashing on the slab
Of life's dead can
Pretty colours
Pretty colours
Slithering down the board
And into the drain
Here comes the pain
Here comes the pain
Pretty colours
Again
And again
And again
***
PLUS ADDED EXTRA TOTALLY FREE!
CULTURAL HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK
From the North Korean Times
"The Americans are coming, the Russians are coming, the Japanese are coming, the South Koreans are coming, and we're coming and none of us have got any brakes!"
GO FIGGER!
Film at eleven!
by Birdy
Pretty colours
Pretty colours
Sliding down the window
And into the dustpan
Pretty colours
Pretty colours
Splashing on the slab
Of life's dead can
Pretty colours
Pretty colours
Slithering down the board
And into the drain
Here comes the pain
Here comes the pain
Pretty colours
Again
And again
And again
***
PLUS ADDED EXTRA TOTALLY FREE!
CULTURAL HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK
From the North Korean Times
"The Americans are coming, the Russians are coming, the Japanese are coming, the South Koreans are coming, and we're coming and none of us have got any brakes!"
GO FIGGER!
Film at eleven!
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