THE GREATEST JOKE NEVER TOLD

WATSON: I say, Holmes...

HOLMES: What now, Watson?

WATSON: Says here the greatest joke never told has just been found in the vault at the Bank of England.

HOLMES: Oh, really. And you're telling me this because...

WATSON: Look, I'm sorry, old man, that you lost your life savings on that damnable pyramid scheme that came highly recommended by Patrick Shortfartering, who happens to be a long-running associate and croquet buddy of mine, but well, past is past. A fool and his money are easily parted what what what.

HOLMES: Don't speak too soon, you abominable quack. You lost all YOUR life savings too AND Hudders' inheritance from her great-great grandmother's beauty salon.

WATSON: Indeed. Which is why I think we are all in need of a jolly good belly laugh.

HOLMES: Get to the point, will you, before I get to YOUR point.

WATSON: Well, I was thinking why don't we all take a stroll down to the Bank and er... have a peep. I'm sure it will do us all the world of good.

HOLMES: Firstly, who says it's the greatest joke never told? Secondly, how can a joke be funny if it's never been told? Thirdly, who says it's in the vault at the Bank of England? Fourthly, who says that you and I and sweet Hudders share the same sense of humour? Fifthly, what guarantee is there that even if it does make us all laugh that it won't merely provide a temporary respite from this unending gloom? Sixthly... well, I'm sure five considerations are more than enough for your less than satisfactory bonce.

WATSON: I say, Holmes, I take exception to that last remark. If you are hoping to incur my wrath, I can tell you I shall not give you the satisfaction.

HOLMES: My dear Watson, it is quite clear to me that you and I do not share the same sense of humour. Indeed, your sense of humour is so coarse that one wonders that if baked beans and flatulence were banned whether you would ever laugh again.

WATSON: Confound it, Holmes. You're pushing my ire here. I'm warning you! Anyway, aren't you curious to know what the greatest joke never told is?

HOLMES: Why should I be when I already know it?

WATSON: What?

HOLMES: Yes, it is true. It is no mystery to the great Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street, because I penned it.

WATSON: You? But that's preposterous! You've never told a joke in your life.

HOLMES: On the contrary, Watty Botty. Under my pseudonym, I have penned the top 300 greatest jokes ever!

WATSON: But but but but... and more buts.

HOLMES: It is a welcome distraction from the chemistry set and wayward waifs on Hampstead Heath.

WATSON: It's not April 1st, this isn't a dream and you are Holmes. I don't believe you.

HOLMES: That is y0ur prerogative.

WATSON: Prove it.

HOLMES: Ricky Gervais, Larry Sanders, Billy Crystal, John Cleese & co, they all come to me. Why do you think the greatest joke never told is under lock and key at the Bank of England?

WATSON: I haven't the foggiest.

HOLMES: To prove that it was I that was the funniest comedian of them all. Because I am weary of propping up the careers of these comedians that in modern parlance have been "milking me for all they can get". And also because I've just signed an exclusive multi-million-squillion deal with National Lampoon.

WATSON: But that's insatiable.

HOLMES: Quite.

WATSON: What about the detective work? What about making old Albion a safer place for people to live in?

HOLMES: There won't be any time for that, old chum. That's why I'm handing the reins over to you.

WATSON: To me?! But... we're a team, a double act. Without you...

HOLMES: You'll be fine. Stiff upper lip, walk tall and proud, God save the Empire.

WATSON: Oh, well, I suppose I could possibly surely definitely keep fighting the good fight what what what.

HOLMES: That's the spirit!

WATSON: Just one last thing, Holmes.

HOLMES: Certainly.

WATSON: What is the greatest joke never told?

HOLMES: You'll soon find out, old chap. Suffice it to say that it involves a cabbage, a vestal virgin and a fishing rod.

WATSON: (chuckles) But Holmes... that's... a cabbage... a vestal... virgin... and a fishing rod... (guffaws, farts loudly before falling off armchair and rolling around on floor)

HOLMES: That is precisely why I didn't want to say anything to you. Hudders!

MRS HUDSON: Yes, Mr Sherlock?

HOLMES: The lavender and aloe vera spray, quick!

MRS HUDSON: Coming right up, sir. Filter at eleven!

HOLMES: Oh, I do hope so!