IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE BY THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER WHEN IT COMES TO THE WRITTEN WURST...TURD, SORRY, WORD, THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE HAS ALMOST BEEN AWARDED TO THE BIRD & BUFFALO. HERE ARE THE REASONS WHY THE JUDGES CHANGED THEIR COLLECTIVE SPLIT MIND AT THE LAST MINUTE:
1. Judge Klaus Von Schtikiarschen had to declare a precarious connection to the auld Buff. Apparent Lee, he laid a certain Cindy Spreadumwider shortly after the auld Buff did. Buff's name was subsequently mentioned by the harlot to him as a possible future literary genius in a postcoital Scrabble game.
2. No-one with above average sized testicles has EVER been awarded this prize. The Bird & Buffalo BOTH have scientifically-verified larger than life balls.
3. The book submitted on behalf of the Bird & Buffalo by an anonymous admirer entitled FEK-U: THE COLLECTED WORKS OF BIRD & BUFFALO DURING THE SPLODGE WARS - 2001-PRESENT was considered to be so devoid of any real meaning - roughly 98.8888% blabbermouth trash and inventive obscenities - that it was deemed unfair to the other authors, who wrote 100% meaningful prose, and nay, a travesty of all the core values and underlying principles behind the Nobel Movement.
4. The judges didn't like the cover.
5. The one and only copy of the aforementioned book had to be shared by the judges and being badly bound was all but physically unreadable once it had been retrieved from the outside toilet in Budapest by the anonymous admirer.
6. It was getting late and Singalong-A-Beethoven was on TV.
7. The Prime Minister of Bouvet Island was insulted no less than five times, and I quote: "He is wanton." "That wanton man." "Wanton is he!" "Oh, so - wanton." "Wanton? He. Is?"
8. The aforementioned authors can't add up.
9. Persistent fart jokes about Sherlock Holmes are not funny.
10. We are all going to die.
SO WE SAY F-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-X!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
SARAH PALIN IN TEN SECONDS
Today, we turn our quandaries to Sarah Palin. Yes, mons amiss, it is time to get poetical.
SARAH PALIN is hot BUT...
she is not...
worthy.
The auld Buff devoted a poem to this very subject but ten seconds ago.
It's called
SARAH PALIN IN TEN SECONDS
O
Sarah
In ten seconds
No
Make that five
No
Two
No
One
Be gone
Diaphoretic
Strumpet
SARAH PALIN is hot BUT...
she is not...
worthy.
The auld Buff devoted a poem to this very subject but ten seconds ago.
It's called
SARAH PALIN IN TEN SECONDS
O
Sarah
In ten seconds
No
Make that five
No
Two
No
One
Be gone
Diaphoretic
Strumpet
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
OF PROBITY AND UDDER BLUNDERS
BUFFALO: The udder day, my head doc Maxine said, "You know, Buff, I'm not sure who's probing who here any more." So I said... "Shouldn't that be whom." A cheap shot, I know, but hey, it's not every day Maxine probes so deep. Oooh la la.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
THE CRUSTYCOK SCANDAL AND OTHER FLAKERIES
BIRD: Dude, you'll have to say something sooner or later.
BUFFALO: What's the point?
BIRD: So Hollywoody nicked your idea. Get over it.
BUFFALO: But instead of my name in big lights it'll be Norman Crustykok. It took me 30 years to come up with that gem. And they stole it, dude. Ripped me off as if I was a log chopper at Stuckey's. Fookin' fookers.
BIRD: But it was hardly an original idea, wazzit? I mean, a film within a film within an ice cream. It's been done before, innit.
BUFFALO: You mean, Fellini?
BIRD: Nah, Crinkletit. Back in the '50s.
BUFFALO: Yeah. The Flying Cone From Rectal Levity. Starring Charles Batty. It was never released, remember?
BIRD: Maybe not, but it was reworked and remade as The Way We Were.
BUFFALO: That's bullshit and you know it. For a start, where was the ice cream?
BIRD: As a metaphor, it didn't cut it, so they cut it.
BUFFALO: And where was Big Tim Dangling, the guy who couldn't go to the bank without pissing his pants?
BIRD: He was a minor character and the producers instructed the writers that there must be no bodily functions in the final script. Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand don't do toilets.
BUFFALO: Poisonally, I'd like to see Babs do her stuff in the bathroom, but that's just me. And anyhoo, what about the central premise of the plot which involved a spaceship depositing the rectal object on an unsuspecting water hog in North Carolina?
BIRD: OK, OK. They were making the film at a time when the water hog, and for that matter North Carolina were protected. They had to improvise.
BUFFALO: And there was no writer or political activist in the original. They were store workers. Women. Lesbians. No less.
BIRD: Maybe, but you must admit the original WAS a love story.
BUFFALO: It was not. It was about the exploitation of Mongolian migrant workers in the wine industry in the Napa Valley.
BIRD: Oh, come on. Nobody had even heard of the Napa Valley then. Or of Mongolian migrant workers.
BUFFALO: Well, they've heard of the Napa Valley now. And as for the Mongolian migrant workers... they were all shafted, dude. Disappeared overnight in August '50 after they asked for blankets to sleep in. How the United Nations left them to their plight is a sin!
BIRD: Dude, are we talking about the same film?
BUFFALO: How the hell do I know? I've seen so many and written so many I have no idea what is and isn't a film. But I know they stole my idea.
BIRD: Which was for a modern romance based on the story of Albert Einstein and Charles Dickens.
BUFFALO: Genius, don't you think?
BIRD: Both heterosexual, from different continents, and because Charlie pops his clogs in 1870 and Albie was born in 1879, were destined never to meet.
BUFFALO: That's where the spaceship comes in, dude.
BIRD: Ohforfukksake, Buff, you know it was a ripoff of Dynasty.
BUFFALO: Dude, I've got one word for you - Rosebud.
BIRD: Don't go there, dude. Just don't. Don't drag Orson Welles into this. He has nothing to do with the Hollywood swindle.
BUFFALO: Dude, he was the one who made it possible to introduce fantastical elements into a linear narrative. He opened it wide open. Without him, there'd be no Lynch. Or Buttmuncher.
BIRD: How dare you mention Buttmuncher's name in the same line as Lynch! Have you no shame?
BUFFALO: Buttmuncher's underrated. Everybody knows it.
BIRD: Not just underrated. Unheard of.
BUFFALO: He's a genius.
BIRD: Who never made a film and ended up in a high-security facility for nutjobs.
BUFFALO: He had his flaws. But we all do. That's no reason to bang him up for the rest of his life.
BIRD: Dude, when they caught him he was about to demolish his father's house with his father in it.
BUFFALO: They had a disagreement. Don't all families? All he wanted was an apology.
BIRD: Yeah, in his dad's blood. Why don't you write a screenplay about him? Nobody would steal that.
BUFFALO: Nah, fuggit. I ain't writing no more screenplays. I'm thru with all that pseudo mutilation. I've got myself some wood and I'm gonna use it.
BIRD: Eh?
BUFFALO: Well, OK, it's a plank. But it'll do the trick.
BIRD: What the hell are you going to do with a plank of wood?
BUFFALO: It's got Buzz Hathawaynutz's name on it - the fookwad in Tinsel Town who robbed me of my rightful heritage. I'm going teach him a lesson.
BIRD: Oh, for Freddy's sake, violence is not the answer.
BUFFALO: You're right, cos I ain't asking any questions. And neither is he once he gets a head full of finest North American oak.
BIRD: They'll lock you up, dude.
BUFFALO: Whatever.
BIRD: You'll never see your family or loved ones again.
BUFFALO: Let's hope, huh?
BIRD: It'll be the end of the blog too, dude.
BUFFALO: Really? You mean no more you and me?
BIRD: That's right.
BUFFALO: Seems like a high price to pay, donnit?
BIRD: Sure is.
BUFFALO: Sorry, Birdy. Gotta stick up for my principles. Buzz Hathawaynutz is going daaahhhhn! So long, Birdman, pray for my mammary.
BIRD: Bye, then.
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
BIRD: Oh, and don't forget to check out the latest issue of Insolent Rudder. It's a corker. You can find it here:
http://www.insolentrudder.net/fall2008_home.html
BUFFALO: What's the point?
BIRD: So Hollywoody nicked your idea. Get over it.
BUFFALO: But instead of my name in big lights it'll be Norman Crustykok. It took me 30 years to come up with that gem. And they stole it, dude. Ripped me off as if I was a log chopper at Stuckey's. Fookin' fookers.
BIRD: But it was hardly an original idea, wazzit? I mean, a film within a film within an ice cream. It's been done before, innit.
BUFFALO: You mean, Fellini?
BIRD: Nah, Crinkletit. Back in the '50s.
BUFFALO: Yeah. The Flying Cone From Rectal Levity. Starring Charles Batty. It was never released, remember?
BIRD: Maybe not, but it was reworked and remade as The Way We Were.
BUFFALO: That's bullshit and you know it. For a start, where was the ice cream?
BIRD: As a metaphor, it didn't cut it, so they cut it.
BUFFALO: And where was Big Tim Dangling, the guy who couldn't go to the bank without pissing his pants?
BIRD: He was a minor character and the producers instructed the writers that there must be no bodily functions in the final script. Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand don't do toilets.
BUFFALO: Poisonally, I'd like to see Babs do her stuff in the bathroom, but that's just me. And anyhoo, what about the central premise of the plot which involved a spaceship depositing the rectal object on an unsuspecting water hog in North Carolina?
BIRD: OK, OK. They were making the film at a time when the water hog, and for that matter North Carolina were protected. They had to improvise.
BUFFALO: And there was no writer or political activist in the original. They were store workers. Women. Lesbians. No less.
BIRD: Maybe, but you must admit the original WAS a love story.
BUFFALO: It was not. It was about the exploitation of Mongolian migrant workers in the wine industry in the Napa Valley.
BIRD: Oh, come on. Nobody had even heard of the Napa Valley then. Or of Mongolian migrant workers.
BUFFALO: Well, they've heard of the Napa Valley now. And as for the Mongolian migrant workers... they were all shafted, dude. Disappeared overnight in August '50 after they asked for blankets to sleep in. How the United Nations left them to their plight is a sin!
BIRD: Dude, are we talking about the same film?
BUFFALO: How the hell do I know? I've seen so many and written so many I have no idea what is and isn't a film. But I know they stole my idea.
BIRD: Which was for a modern romance based on the story of Albert Einstein and Charles Dickens.
BUFFALO: Genius, don't you think?
BIRD: Both heterosexual, from different continents, and because Charlie pops his clogs in 1870 and Albie was born in 1879, were destined never to meet.
BUFFALO: That's where the spaceship comes in, dude.
BIRD: Ohforfukksake, Buff, you know it was a ripoff of Dynasty.
BUFFALO: Dude, I've got one word for you - Rosebud.
BIRD: Don't go there, dude. Just don't. Don't drag Orson Welles into this. He has nothing to do with the Hollywood swindle.
BUFFALO: Dude, he was the one who made it possible to introduce fantastical elements into a linear narrative. He opened it wide open. Without him, there'd be no Lynch. Or Buttmuncher.
BIRD: How dare you mention Buttmuncher's name in the same line as Lynch! Have you no shame?
BUFFALO: Buttmuncher's underrated. Everybody knows it.
BIRD: Not just underrated. Unheard of.
BUFFALO: He's a genius.
BIRD: Who never made a film and ended up in a high-security facility for nutjobs.
BUFFALO: He had his flaws. But we all do. That's no reason to bang him up for the rest of his life.
BIRD: Dude, when they caught him he was about to demolish his father's house with his father in it.
BUFFALO: They had a disagreement. Don't all families? All he wanted was an apology.
BIRD: Yeah, in his dad's blood. Why don't you write a screenplay about him? Nobody would steal that.
BUFFALO: Nah, fuggit. I ain't writing no more screenplays. I'm thru with all that pseudo mutilation. I've got myself some wood and I'm gonna use it.
BIRD: Eh?
BUFFALO: Well, OK, it's a plank. But it'll do the trick.
BIRD: What the hell are you going to do with a plank of wood?
BUFFALO: It's got Buzz Hathawaynutz's name on it - the fookwad in Tinsel Town who robbed me of my rightful heritage. I'm going teach him a lesson.
BIRD: Oh, for Freddy's sake, violence is not the answer.
BUFFALO: You're right, cos I ain't asking any questions. And neither is he once he gets a head full of finest North American oak.
BIRD: They'll lock you up, dude.
BUFFALO: Whatever.
BIRD: You'll never see your family or loved ones again.
BUFFALO: Let's hope, huh?
BIRD: It'll be the end of the blog too, dude.
BUFFALO: Really? You mean no more you and me?
BIRD: That's right.
BUFFALO: Seems like a high price to pay, donnit?
BIRD: Sure is.
BUFFALO: Sorry, Birdy. Gotta stick up for my principles. Buzz Hathawaynutz is going daaahhhhn! So long, Birdman, pray for my mammary.
BIRD: Bye, then.
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
BIRD: Oh, and don't forget to check out the latest issue of Insolent Rudder. It's a corker. You can find it here:
http://www.insolentrudder.net/fall2008_home.html
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