Wednesday, September 23, 2009

THE REAL STEWART SUMNER REPOSED TO PROFANITY FAIR




BUFFALO: Is dat you, dude?

BIRD: WotdaFachenbach! My own mother, selling the family jewels to Profanity Fair. Does family honour mean nothing in a rectal world?

BUFFALO: So you ARE Stewart Sumner!

BIRD: Merely a Doppelganger.

BUFFALO: Dude, that IS you!

BIRD: OK, OK, OK! It's me. Yes, I am THE Stewart Sumner, the writer. Happy now?

BUFFALO: I don't believe you.

BIRD: The camera doesn't lie.

BUFFALO: Dude, I've never met you. You could like the way this guy looks and pretend to be him, because you like the glamour and intrigue that goes with being a writer.

BIRD: Dude, I'm tired of the centrifuge. Maybe if I just fess up, MI5, the CIA, the FBI, Interpol, the Women's Institute and the Jehovah's Witnesses will finally leave me alone, already.

BUFFALO: Un-ber-feck-Inn-B-leave-ab-all. So you really are THE Stewart Sumner! I've read all your stuff. You're a friggin' genius!

BIRD: Thanks, Buff. You're not so bad yourself. I especially liked Moose Turd Pie. A modern classic of scatological entropy.

BUFFALO: Blushing here, dude.

BIRD: Ha! So you are THE Marcel DeClercq, literary powerhouse of Michigan.

BUFFALO: 'Fraid so.

BIRD: Wow. So they were right. I don't get it. Who did we think we were fooling?

BUFFALO: Our lovers, mostly. But that's another inventory.

BIRD: But dude...

BUFFALO: Yes, dude?

BIRD: You're always be da auld Buff to me.

BUFFALO: And you'll always be Birdy to me.

BIRD: Phew. So nothing's changed.

BUFFALO: Apart from the global recognition, ya mean? Nope.

BIRD: And the blog goes on.

BUFFALO: Yarp.

BIRD: Excrement.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

WARNING: The previous conversation does not constitute irreputable proof that the above individuals are who they say they are. And since the advent of PhotoShop, photographic evidence don't mean badgershit. You have been fooled. I mean warned.

COMING SOON: What Stewart Sumner said to his mum when he went home for tea to confront her over selling explicit images to reductable publications. INCLUDES FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY AND EXPLICIT LOW-FLYING SCONES.

Monday, September 21, 2009

THE SHIT SANDWICH GOES ON...

BUFFALO: Dude, I've just been told I have a 5% chance that I'll live.

BIRD: Well, don't blame me that you're on the CIA shit list. I mean, those fooklars have NO sense of humour whatsoever.

BUFFALO: How da fawk was I to know they'd tap our Skype? I mean, you and me, we're just shootin' the breeze, innit. Messin' with the pessin'. Rumping the trumpet.

BIRD: Jealousy, dude. There are some comedians out there that can't take our cult status. They'll ask you a few questions, take a few jugshots, shove a meerkat up yer arse then toss you back where you belong.

BUFFALO: You don't understand, I've been implicated. I'm heading for the state penal tensionary.

BIRD: Dude, you're innocent.

BUFFALO: I know, but they need someone to take a hit.

BIRD: A fall guy?

BUFFALO: You got it.

BIRD: I see. So the shit sandwich goes on...

BUFFALO: Jeez. I need this as much as I need another asshole. Maybe we should come clean about Marcel DeClercq and Stewart Sumner.

BIRD: It won't make any difference.

BUFFALO: But the intercepts...

BIRD: Hearsay. Coded messages at best.

BUFFALO: Dude, if I'm Marcel DeClercq...

BIRD: A-ha.

BUFFALO: And you're Stewart Sumner...

BIRD: Right.

BUFFALO: Then who are the Bird and Buffalo?

BIRD: Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Well... they might just be the guys that Marcel DeClercq and Stewart Sumner aspire to being when the constraints of a tyrannical imaginary delusionary non-participatory gyratory construct are set free.

BUFFALO: Or total impostors who deserve all the fame and recognition that comes their way.

BIRD: Or a satirical monolithic retrospective vision of the future in the past tense.

BUFFALO: Wotdafachenbach! You've got it, dude.

BIRD: Collateral thinking, doncha know.

BUFFALO: Rock on, Marcel and Stewie!

BIRD: Seize the whey!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Friday, September 18, 2009

CIA INTERCEPT LEAKED TO WORLD MEDIA - CODENAME ARF, ARF TEMPLATE 28871593 DONUT

REPRODUCED HERE VERBATIM.

"Dude, they're on to us. From now on, to evade capture, or any responsibility for our actions or thoughts or our debt to society bullshit, we MUST, repeat MUST talk in code. Dude, are you there? How's the scooter? Still on holiday? Eh? Eh? Arf, arf! Shit. Shouldn't have said that. Arf, arf! I mean. Come in, autumn! Dude! This is beyond an enclosure, innit. What's the title? Quick. We don't have much time. I'm telling you, that Marcel DeClercq is a frigging genius. Learn more, compose edit, preview. Dude, you're fading. Html! H-T-M-L! Fugget! Whither the REAL Stewart Sumner? Moderation posts. Comment. Monetise. Template. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Dashboard free. Repeat DASHBOARD FREE. Dude? Dude?"
END OF TRANSMISSION

SO YOU'RE TELLING US THAT WE'RE MARCEL DeCLERCQ AND STEWART SUMNER! HA! HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PUBLICITY MARCEL DeCLERCQ AND STEWART SUMNER ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF YOUR ILLEGAL WIRE TAPPING? HMM? HMM??? THESE TWO, BY ALL ACCOUNTS, EXTREMELY TALENTED WRITERS AND THOROUGHLY NICE CHAPS ARE GONNA MAKE MILLIONS OUT OF THIS.

EGG ON YOUR FACE, CIA!

EGG ON YOUR FACE.

HEAR THAT GUFFAWING?

'TIS THE GREAT MARCEL DeCLERCQ AND THE FAB STEWART SUMNER LAFFING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK.

ARF, ARF!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

THE BIRD & BUFFALO FINALLY EXPOSED?

SPECULATION IN THE WORLD MEDIA IS RIFE THAT FINALLY, AFTER YEARS OF INVESTIGATIONS AND TIP OFFS, THE TRUE IDENTITY OF THE BIRD & BUFFALO CAN NOW BE REVEALED...

ACCORDING TO CIA AND MI5 INTERCEPTS, A CERTAIN MARCEL DeCLERCQ & AN ALLEGED STEWART SUMNER HAVE BEEN COMMUNICATING "IN A WAY NOT UNLIKE THE BIRD & BUFFALO". THE EVIDENCE GOES ON... AND ON...

MEANWHILE, EXHIBIT A...

Kite Flyer from Michelle Ouellette on Vimeo.



Illustration & Animation - Michelle Ouellette
Story by - Marcel DeClercq
Edit & Sound - Chad Dogby

IS THIS WORK OF THE AULD BUFF? YOU, CITIZENS OF B&B WORLD MUST DECIDE.

WE, BIRD & BUFFALO, KNOW THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, BUT OUR LIPS ARE SEALED BY AN INTERNATIONAL GAGGING ORDER 2134564a PENDING.

BUT WE ASK YOU... CAN THIS POETRY...

I am
On the top
Looking down
Wondering
Why
I
See
Only You
And your
Trout

..WRITTEN BY AN 10-YEAR-OLD STEWART SUMNER TO IMPRESS HIS PRIMARY SCHOOLTEACHER, Ms JUMPMEE - WE KID THEE NOT, TRUE NAME! -

CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE COMPARED TO BIRDY'S RECENT BITINGLY SATIRICAL POETIC SPIN ON ANGST IN INNER CITY LONDON?

In the city
Inner
Bitter
Chewy
Bluey
Fooey
Inner
City
Angst

WELL????

EXPOSED? WE SHALL SEE!

ARF, ARF!